The scary thing about fear is the irrationality of it. I know that I am HIV-. But I want to hear that fact confirmed on my own terms. I imagine the incredibly unlikely scenario that I am HIV+ and Mr Twinky isn't. And it doesn't bear thinking about, so I don't face up to it. The irrationality is part of what makes me human, and I love it. But I'm scared. And there's nothing wrong with being scared and there's nothing wrong with admitting it.
The scariest thing is that all of this makes me realise how lucky I am to have the secure family and secure relationship that I value so much and treasure. Mr Twinky, Mum, Dad, Maureen, Tom, Kate, Chris. And the extended family too, which includes a number of regular readers who I won't name here.